I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
