Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
