After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
