There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
