I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
