and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
