8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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