Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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