I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
