go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
