Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
