You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
