My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
