She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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