it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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