Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
