In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
