is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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