I saw his package. It spoke to me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
