why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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