So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
