Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
