True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
