sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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