I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
