Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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