I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
