Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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