My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
