two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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