the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
