dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
