i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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