I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
