I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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