I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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