and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
