Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
