Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you had me at cake vodka
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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