so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
