Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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