totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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