I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
