Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
