Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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