I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
