All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We had to coat check the pizza.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
