Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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