listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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