my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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